“I like myself. I am worthy. I deserve wealth and happiness.” I would repeat those mantras to myself almost daily before I started working with Roy Nelson. Positive that if I said them enough—if I truly, truly believed them, or at least forced myself to believe them, they would become true. I sounded like Guy Smiley on that old SNL skit about positive affirmations!
If you asked me 8 months ago if I liked myself I would answer with a resounding “Yes!!” I mean what’s not to like? I’m outgoing, curious, and playful. I have a mischievous sense of humor, a quick wit and am eager to share my story to help others. I’m smart too.
I was running a successful business. I was an effortless community builder, bringing friends from different groups together. I was married to a guy who was tall, fair-skinned and very handsome. As a bonus, in our 14 years of marriage, he only had eyes for me. We had three incredibly beautiful, kind and polite children.
This was the life I was supposed to be living. My upbringing was one-half Cosby Show. I am the granddaughter, niece and daughter of African American Ivy Leaguers (Cornell and Columbia) who have 2 Ph.ds, 4 Masters between them. The other half is an American success story—smart, ghetto-raised, high school educated black man works hard and moves up the corporate ladder to achieve great financial success, overcoming difficulty with courage and fortitude!
I married a man who graduated from three schools with nothing less than a Cum Laude. His brain power frightened many!
We ate organic, divided our morning routine, which involved getting three kids to their various private schools, so that each of us had time to work out. We supported each other in our professional endeavors. We had clear ideas on how we wanted to raise our children.
In public, we held hands and often giggled.
That outside life did not match my internal life, however. This external image of me that I had built got harder and harder to maintain. I had spent years building a rickety castle on a really poor foundation and it was beginning to crumble.
I always felt if my friends really knew me, they would find me despicable. It was not a conscious thought, of course…after all, it didn’t match the “I am happy” message I would cling to desperately.
I never felt good enough. I was not pretty enough, or skinny enough. I was not rich enough or smart enough. I was not a good enough mother (which I would deny vehemently) or a loving enough wife. If I had X, then I would be happier. If Y would get out of my life, things would be better.
My dislike of myself showed up in the way I would sabotage close friendships and keep people at arm’s length. It was in the way I never cried, but would rage over stupid incidents. It was in the way I handled money, how I charged too little for my services and didn’t’ feel worthy of what we had. It was in the way I used anything to hide my feelings of shame, guilt and anger. I felt out of control around food and then, toward the end, I started to feel as I was losing control with alcohol too.
t was harder and harder to pretend that I was OK, to force my insides to match my outsides.
Then, in 2009, my husband died from cancer at age 44, leaving me to raise my 3 children on my own. I was ill-equipped for this, emotionally, physically and financially. For two years I did my very best to manage, but every day I was sinking further and further into despair.
On May 15, 2011, I walked into The Nelson Center and met with Roy Nelson. The next day I wrote a check and surrendered myself and all my troubles to The Nelson Center and Roy’s care. It was my last option. I had tried everything: years of diets, different therapies and so on; years of “fake it ‘til you make it”. But I could never “make it”. The Nelson Center was my last ditch effort. I knew that I would not last in this world for long if I didn’t take drastic action.
Eight months later I can say that this was the best decision I have ever made in my whole life. The Nelson Center saved my life.
In the next few blog posts I will share with you my journey. And I will share with you what I learned from Roy that made the difference for me. I want to do this because working with Roy has made such a profound difference, not only in my life, but in the lives of my children that I want others to know how amazing their lives can be, as well.
Today, if you asked me if I liked myself, I would smile and say “Yes, because every day I am discovering more and more of my beautiful and divine spirit.”
